So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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