Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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