onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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