so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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