I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize