I am spending my child support on dildos
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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