I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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