I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
