Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Sorry my hands just texted you
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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