You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
