Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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