who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
