if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize