Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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