I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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