If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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