it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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