textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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