If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
