You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You may now shotgun with the bride
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
