this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
