I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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