i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
So here I am, sexting at work.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
