Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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