Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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