yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
