**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
