I've blown a few things in my day
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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