my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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