I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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