Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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