just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
True strength comes from lack of pants
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize