Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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