I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
