Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
