I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
