You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
