Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
