so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
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