well I can't set my house on fire every night
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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