I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
