I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
