just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
