I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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