Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
