she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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