So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
