He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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