My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize