you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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