Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
