Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
