he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
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