Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
We talked him into tasing himself.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
