Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
