I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
so let's talk penis.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Randomize
