Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
