so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
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