and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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