So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
