Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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