Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
She bit a glass in half.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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