Pants 0. Shit 1.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Is her dick bigger than yours?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
