we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
