As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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