Apparently you make a good broom.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
