I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
