1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Randomize
