Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
