Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
