there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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