Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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