if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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