I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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